The Raw Truth About Long-Distance Relationships (From Someone Who's Been There)

    Himal

    HImal .B

    Dec, 2024-12 min
    The Raw Truth About Long-Distance Relationships (From Someone Who's Been There)

    Look, I'm not going to lie to you – long-distance relationships are tough. Like, "trying to eat a sandwich while doing a handstand" tough. After spending three years in an LDR (that's "long-distance relationship" for the uninitiated), I've had my fair share of 3 AM video calls, timezone math fails, and moments where I questioned everything. But I've also experienced some of the deepest connections and most meaningful growth of my life.

    "Will a Long-Distance Relationship Work?"

    Let's cut to the chase: Yes, it can work. But (and this is a big but) it depends entirely on you and your partner. I've seen couples living 10 minutes apart fall apart, while others thrive despite being separated by oceans. It's not about the miles – it's about the mindset.

    What makes it work:

    • Rock-solid communication
    • Unwavering trust
    • Clear expectations
    • Individual growth
    • Shared goals and timeline

    What kills it:

    • Jealousy and control issues
    • Poor communication
    • Lack of effort
    • No end game in sight
    • Different expectations

    The Truth About Duration: How Long Can It Last?

    Here's the thing – there's no expiration date on long-distance love. I've known couples who made it work for five years before finally reuniting, and others who called it quits after six months. The key isn't how long you can endure the distance, but whether you're both growing together despite being apart.

    Pro tip: Having an end goal helps enormously. Whether it's moving in together after graduation or saving up for a year to relocate, having that light at the end of the tunnel makes the journey more bearable.

    Coping Strategies That Actually Work

    1. Establish a Routine (But Keep it Flexible)

      • Regular video calls (but don't become a slave to the schedule)
      • Good morning and good night messages
      • Virtual date nights

    2. Quality Over Quantity Listen, I learned this the hard way – spending 6 hours on a video call doesn't necessarily mean quality time. Sometimes, a focused 30-minute conversation means more than a marathon chatting session while you're both scrolling through social media.

    3. Make Technology Your Best Friend This is where I have to give a shoutout to WatchWithMe. Look, I've tried every possible way to watch movies together – the "3,2,1, play" method, screen sharing (lag city), you name it. WatchWithMe changed the game for us. Being able to actually watch shows in sync, react in real-time, and feel like we're actually on the couch together? Game changer.

    4. Keep Growing Individually The worst thing you can do is put your life on hold. Join that gym class, take that pottery workshop, pursue that promotion. A thriving LDR needs two whole people, not two halves waiting to be whole.

    Red Flags You Shouldn't Ignore

    After counseling countless friends through their LDRs (and learning from my own mistakes), here are the warning signs that shouldn't be ignored:

    1. Constant Trust Issues If you're spending more time worrying about what they're doing than enjoying your relationship, that's a problem.

    2. One-Sided Effort When you're the only one initiating calls, planning virtual dates, or making an effort to visit.

    3. Growing Apart Instead of Together Your lives are moving in completely different directions with no plan to converge.

    4. Communication Breakdown Not just talking less, but quality of communication deteriorating.

    Making It Work: The Real Deal

    Want to know how to make it work? Here's my tried-and-tested advice:

    1. Get Creative with Connection

      • Use apps like WatchWithMe for movie nights
      • Send surprise care packages
      • Play online games together
      • Share playlists and daily photos

    2. Set Clear Expectations

      • How often will you communicate?
      • When will you visit?
      • What are your boundaries regarding going out/meeting new people?
      • What's your timeline for closing the distance?

    3. Keep the Spark Alive Let's talk about intimacy. Yeah, that kind of intimacy. Look, it's awkward and sometimes frustrating and definitely not the same as being together. But you find ways. You learn to connect differently. Maybe it's through late-night texts about your deepest fears, or sending each other songs that made you think of them, or those private moments when screens feel simultaneously like too much and not enough. The key? Be playful. Be vulnerable. Be real. Don't try to make it perfect – because perfect isn't real anyway.

    4. Deal with the Loneliness (Because It's Real) Some nights are harder than others. Like when you're at a friend's wedding, watching couples slow-dance, and your plus-one is a phone propped up on a table. Or when you're sick and all you want is their hand on your forehead, their soup on the stove. God, those moments hit different. But here's what I learned: let yourself feel it. The loneliness doesn't mean you're weak or that something's wrong. It means you're human, and you're loving someone with your whole heart despite the miles.

    The Reality No One Talks About

    You know what's weird about LDRs? How time works differently. Sometimes it's Tuesday and you're fine, going about your day, and then BAM – you smell someone wearing their perfume on the subway and suddenly you're a mess. Or you're watching a stupid TikTok and all you can think is "they would've laughed at that" and your chest gets tight.

    And the dreams? Don't get me started. Those mornings when you wake up thinking they're next to you, and for a split second, you forget about the distance. Those are the worst. Or maybe the best? I still can't decide.

    Making It Work (The Messy Truth)

    1. Find Your Rhythm Some couples do morning and night calls. We couldn't – time zones were brutal. Instead, we had our "Sunday deep dive" where we'd talk for hours about everything and nothing. Found out more about his childhood fear of butterflies during those calls than I did in our first year dating in person. Funny how distance can make you dig deeper.

    2. Create Your Traditions We had this thing – every full moon, we'd both go outside and look up. Different continents, same moon. Cheesy? Yeah. But when you're missing someone so much it hurts, cheesy doesn't seem so bad. Sometimes we'd send pictures, sometimes just a heart emoji. It was our thing, you know?

    3. Handle the Hard Stuff Arguments in LDRs? They're their own special kind of hell. You can't storm off (I mean, you can hang up, but that feels worse somehow?). Can't read body language. Can't make up with a hug. But maybe that's good? Forces you to actually use your words. To say "I'm hurt" instead of slamming doors. To figure out how to fix things when you can't just kiss and make up.

    The Brutal Truth About Endings

    Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it doesn't. Both are okay.

    I've seen friends hold on too long because "we've already invested so much time." Don't do that. Please. Time invested isn't a good enough reason to keep investing more. Trust me on this one – I learned it the hard way with my first LDR.

    But I've also seen friends give up too early because "long distance never works." That's BS too. Nothing "never" works. Nothing "always" works either.

    You know when it's over when:

    • The silence between messages feels comfortable instead of anticipatory
    • You start living your life around the gaps instead of the connections
    • The thought of them visiting brings anxiety instead of excitement
    • You're more in love with the memory of them than who they are now
    • The future talks feel like fantasy instead of planning

    A Last Bit of Real Talk

    Here's what no one tells you about LDRs – they change you. Whether they work out or not, you'll never be the same person who started this journey. You'll learn things about yourself that you never would've known otherwise. Like how strong you actually are. Or how much you value physical touch (or don't). Or how you handle loneliness.

    I'm not gonna tell you it's all worth it in the end. Because honestly? Sometimes it isn't. Sometimes you go through all of it and still end up apart. But sometimes – sometimes it's more beautiful than anything you could've imagined. Sometimes the distance teaches you how to love better, deeper, more intentionally than you ever would've otherwise.

    Is it harder than regular relationships? Hell yes. Is it impossible? Hell no.

    Just remember – there's no shame in trying and failing. No shame in deciding it's not for you. No shame in fighting like hell to make it work either.

    The only shame is in not being honest with yourself about what you really want and what you can really handle.

    Stay strong, beautiful humans. Whether you're just starting this journey or in the thick of it – you've got this. Or maybe you don't. And that's okay too. ❤️

    P.S. If you're reading this at 3 AM, missing them like crazy – send that text. Life's too short for pride. Trust me on this one.

    Resources That Helped Me Survive

    • WatchWithMe (seriously, game-changer for movie nights)
    • Time zone apps (because math is hard when you're tired)
    • LDR support groups on Reddit (sometimes you just need to vent)
    • Trip planning apps (making the next visit feel real)
    • Couples journaling apps (for when words are hard)

    Remember: Long distance isn't a death sentence for love – it's just a different path to the same destination. Sometimes the longest routes lead to the most beautiful places.

    Stay strong, stay connected, and most importantly, stay true to yourself. ❤️